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The F**** Chronicles............ it's not what you think

I’ve been a zealous ‘seeker’ for decades – the perennial pilgrim on the never-ending quest to find the meaning of life ……… and what I’m doing here in it……….I’ve searched high and low, upturned many stones, found treasures, great friends........ even kissed a few toads along the way. There's been countless courses, groups, workshops, seminars, festivals, books……. From the highs of amazing retreats in Bali, to the literal lows of the rebirthing teacher’s bathroom floor, dizzy, with a splitting migraine, chucking my guts up after drinking 4 ( it was supposed to be 6 but I didn’t make it) glasses of salt and water to cleanse, during a workshop (the teacher later told me she was on the verge of calling 000 to call me an ambulance) …. It’s fair to say, I’ve given it a good shot!


Most recently whilst in a group, (and looking for answers to the meaning of my life and my other perennial quest – the search for Mr Right…….) someone said to me: "you want a relationship but you are scared whether a man will wanna be with you 24/7.....whether he'll still wanna be with you when he sees your ‘shadow’ side’".


’Will he still wanna be with me when he sees my shadow………….?????? And voila - my next quest! …………The search for that elusive shadow that could come between me and the equally elusive Mr Right…….


The realisation came from nowhere and punched me squarely in the guts! Forget the shadow!!!! My really…really big question was: ‘will he still wanna be with me when he knows I fart a lot!!?????? ………………Of course NOT!........

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a man to my bed, but I was convinced once my first offering had escaped, he would high-tail out of there, never to return. I thought about this for a long time – farting experiences over the years……. why does no one talk about it? Do others fart in bed? Do they fart a lot in bed and still keep their lover? Farts were an endless source of jokes and cursing in my family but what's it like in other families? Since when had normal body functions become so shameful? What does farting tell us about life and all its musings???? Like an alcoholic at an AA meeting, if I out myself and fess up, will I be more accepting of myself? Might Mr Right, whoever he is, just have to grin and bear it???


And that’s how it began. A huge (fartless-that-time) LOL moment: the birthing of

The Farting Chronicles’……. My horsing around with farts and what they can tell us about the meaning of life.

Our bodies and their natural functions have been repressed or exposed, canonised or demonised throughout time. At the Palace of Versailles in the 17th Century, people at the palace were not bothered when or where courtiers decided to relieve themselves. Courtiers would answer nature’s call in ballrooms, during balls, and anywhere they liked…… In his memoirs about life at Versailles, Louis de Rouvroy, duc de Saint-Simon recalled that the Princess d'Harcourt routinely relieved herself in the hallway, much to the anger and annoyance of the servants who had to clean up after her. The dignity of her (royal) blood, in her opinion, was so great that it would actually be beneath her to stop and use a stool, so she would just answer nature's call as she went along, hardly bothering to stop walking…….. Why then, are we concerned about a little farting??? Traceless, no cleaning up required

(usually)… no evidence left behind……


By contrast I’ve heard about religious traditions where a man doesn’t shake hands with a woman if she is menstruating because she is ‘unclean’……… There’s no life without menstruation so why is she deemed ‘unclean’ and why should she feel shamed about this life-essential bodily function? How does that happen???


A few years ago, I went to see a musical about Piaf. The audience was shocked when on stage, whilst engaged in conversation,nature called and she crouched down, pulled down her knickers (wait…was she wearing any??) and did a voluminous pee! In full view – no shame! Apparently, this was common practice at that time. I’ve never seen anything like it since – either on stage or off. So how is it that this was OK, and when did this become not OK and who decided it was no longer OK?

To find out about current-day farting practices, I decided to conduct my own research and surveyed some girlfriends, asking them if they fart in bed. Like penitents in a confessional, they were coy at first and then let out a burst of hilarious laughter and obvious relief! They (mostly all) said YES! The best story was my friend who told me that she woke herself up one night with one of her farts! Another great (fartless-that-time too) LOL moment.

‘Hang on a minute” ……that friend shares her bed and her partner knows she farts but he doesn’t say a word about it……. Maybe there’s hope for me yet…..???


Note to self: If nothing else, talking about farting is great fun!


Funny enough, fessing about farting proved very liberating – for me, and for my friends……… It got me thinking about the meaning of life: Could being honest and real about farting, actually make us free? If I could admit this and speak openly about it (even if not loud and proud to start) could I accept the whole of me??? Would it make me feel more at one with others, and accept them as they are? Would it change my search for Mr Right????


Friends…..if you’ve read this far you’ll be thrilled to know, I’m sure, that this is the first of the chronicles and there are more to come. My research continues. Why not ‘unleash your farter within’? No Tony-Robbins-fire-walking required. Just fess up to me. Fess up if you’re a farter, if you're a farter that shares your bed, or if you’re a non-farter sharing your bed with a farter. And.....all advice is welcome. Stay tuned!


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